I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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