The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize