some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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