i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
