Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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