i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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