and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
