I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
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did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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