I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
