did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
