she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
50% drunk capacity currently
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
