MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize