I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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