I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
