Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
