Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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