it's like iHOP with fire
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
