I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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