Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize