that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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