Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
