I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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