i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
