If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
