I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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