Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
