we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
do nipples grow back?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
