the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Operation Purity has been aborted
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
