I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
