the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
