i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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