Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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