Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
