U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
