Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
BRING THE BAGELS
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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