tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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