So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize