I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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