I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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