Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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