I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
