I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
