I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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