the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
