your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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