Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
