3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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