hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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