You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
