I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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