Only a mothe r could love this liver
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she looked like the before picture.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
