stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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