He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
