My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
