the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
