Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
