I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
