he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
